you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
