i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
