areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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