I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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