why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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