Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
