I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
