Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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