Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
