what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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