dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
