Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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