My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
