it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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