I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
