my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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