She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
