I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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