the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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