I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
