So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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