so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
