When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
