You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
