i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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