I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
