i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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