woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
