pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
