Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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