All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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