I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
