I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
