hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
