you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
