remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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