At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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