I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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