I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize