Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
