I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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