....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
