i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
