I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
