So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
