i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
