Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
