My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
