and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
