its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
