I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
