a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
