i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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