Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize