I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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