I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
