the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
