And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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