If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
