Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
