I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I touched a dick in church today
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
