Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
